Interview on the 22.3.2015. |  German (Translation)

ichalsmich.com: Hi Rose!

Rose: Hey, thanks for the invitation to be here today!

ichalsmich.com: So, how old are you and what exactly brought you to Vienna?

Rose: I’m 20 years old and from the United States. I came to Vienna because I wanted to take a break from my studies and thought that I could simultaneously improve my German and have the chance to get to know the European culture better. As of 2 weeks ago, I worked for 3 months as an au pair.

ichalsmich.com: What were your expectations for this profession?

Rose: I had already spent lots of time with children and babysat. The family and I had contact through e-mail while I was still in the States. I was told pretty much up front what my tasks would be.

ichalsmich.com: What was your impression of the family?

Rose: In addition to the parents, I knew there were 4 children, ages from 5 to 11, and that I would live in their house. I thought right away that they were a really nice family and that I was really lucky to meet such a family. They also told me that they would pay for me to take a German course while I was there. I also knew that mainly English was spoken in the household and that only the father spoke German with the children.

ichalsmich.com: And you could stay with the family?

Rose: Yes, as an au pair the family must provide you with a room. It’s in the au pair contract.

ichalsmich.com: What all was in your contract?

Rose: It was a standard contract, so a 20-hour workweek, I’d get my own room, the food in the house would be accessible and free and that the work would deal mainly with childcare and light housework.

ichalsmich.com: What did they tell you your responsibilities would be?

Rose: Pick up children from the kindergarten and the school and then that I’d watch the children until the parents came home. So in the meantime, I’d help with the kids with their homework, make sure that they’re doing their chores and also speak English with them.

ichalsmich.com: Was there any mention of other tasks?

Rose: No.

ichalsmich.com: So what was it really like then?

Rose: I didn’t know that the father worked in the Switzerland and was therefore never at home during the week. So I was with basically with a single mother and 4 kids. The mother also worked 20 hours a week. So it was agreed therefore that I would be filling in during her absence.

ichalsmich.com: What was your average work day like?

Rose: At 06:30 I had to be ready and in the kitchen to empty the dishwasher. Then I would help the kids with their breakfast. After breakfast the mother went to work. The 11-year-old boy could go to school alone and the 7 and 9-year-old went to school together since it wasn’t far from the home. At 7:00, I took the youngest girl (5) to kindergarten. So I had a break from 7:45 until 1 pm.

ichalsmich.com: In that time, could you do what you wanted?

Rose: Yes, I could do what I wanted and could also leave the house. At 12:45 I would leave in order to pick up the 7 year old because the 9-year-old always had extracurricular activities after school. At around 1:30 we were back home and had lunch.

ichalsmich.com: Who cooked?

Rose: Usually there were still leftovers from dinner in the fridge that we just warmed up. I’m not a master chef by any means, but the children were fairly picky eaters and only liked pizza, pasta, and Wiener schnitzel anyways. So most of the time there were frozen meals or I made noodles.

ichalsmich.com: What did you guys do after lunch?

Rose: It was different every day. I was at home with the children who were already at home and waited until the mother came home with the 5 year old, which was usually around 4:30. But then she had to leave again to take the 11 year old and the 9-year-old to different activities and they would come back at around 8. During this time the 7-year old boy and 5-year old girl were just with me at home because they weren’t allowed to be home alone.

ichalsmich.com: So you were almost always responsible for them?

Rose: Yes.

ichalsmich.com: What happened after 8 pm?

Rose: I was finished working so I could either stay for dinner or leave the house and go out.

ichalsmich.com: So, you worked from 6:30 until 07:45 (1.25 hours) and from 12:45-8 (7.25 hours)? So altogether, 8.30 hours, which is more than a full-time job – was that in the au pair contract?

Rose: No, only 20 hours were agreed to during the week. The work wasn’t hard, but I still had to stay home. It sort of felt like a prison.

ichalsmich.com: Was your work schedule always consistent?

Rose: Yes, all except for Friday. On this day, it was always different. Once the mother told me I could leave the house as soon as one of the older children was at home. That meant I could sometimes leave as early as 2 pm. But when I did that once, the mother acted really strange the next day.

ichalsmich.com: How did she act strange?

Rose: She was suddenly very distanced and short.

ichalsmich.com: So your interaction with each other was a little bit complicated?

Rose: Sometimes she was very friendly and would ask me personal questions. For example, one evening she asked me if I had a date. It caught me off guard and I didn’t know how I should respond. She was also my boss and I always felt that I also had to remain professional, so in situations where things got personal, it just felt uncomfortable. There was no clear separation between private life and professional life. Maybe this should be expected when you’re an au pair. However many of my au pair-friends have either a professional or a friendly relationship with their host families. For me, it was different day to day. I never knew how I should act towards her.

ichalsmich.com: Did you ever complain about the working hours?

Rose: No, I was afraid, because well yeah, the work wasn’t really hard, and I also thought that if I were to say something, the mother could react poorly and I also didn’t want to disturb the family atmosphere. But even if I did say something, I didn’t see another possibility. I could have said that I wanted to work less, but who then would stay at home with the kids?

ichalsmich.com: So, you really had a sense of responsibility for the children?

Rose: Yes. I was also afraid that I would lose my job and would then have to go back to America.

ichalsmich.com: So you only have a visa on the basis of your employment?

Rose: Yes, exactly. But I also liked the children very much and also didn’t want to disappoint them by leaving. I don’t know… (laughs, embarrassed)

ichalsmich.com: How was daily interaction with the mother? She seems to be somewhat stressed with the children and work…

Rose: The mother and I really didn’t have much in common. Often when we spoke, she would complain about her job and her colleagues at work. But I didn’t know any of her colleagues, so nothing ever had any context and so I could never really agree with her or see where she was coming from. But she also said many things that I just really didn’t understand.

ichalsmich.com: Like what?

Rose: For example she didn’t believe in the concept of sleepovers and didn’t want her kids sleeping over at others houses and also didn’t allow the kids to have any friends over. The children were very isolated. They also only celebrated birthdays with family and not with friends. I just thought that maybe I was the crazy one, and that how they did things was okay too.

ichalsmich.com: How was your room, were you there undisturbed in your spare time?

Rose: Yeah, it was okay. The 5-year-old came in sometimes and we played. The problem was only that the room had really thin walls and I couldn’t talk to my father for example because everyone in the house would hear. If I was ever late coming back home, the next day the mother would sometimes come to my room and ask me odd questions.

ichalsmich.com: What sorts of questions then?

Rose: For example, if I needed ice skates. I said no because I can’t ice skate. “Ah okay,” she said. After half an hour, she came back and told me that I need to pick up the one kid at 11:00, although I already knew that. All of these small things are actually quite harmless in and of themselves. But the whole visits to my room only took place if she knew that I had gotten home late.

ichalsmich.com: Do you think maybe she was just actually worried?

Rose: She knew that I had come home late and was very tired.

ichalsmich.com: So you felt like she was intentionally annoying you?

Rose: Yes

ichalsmich.com: You felt like your privacy wasn’t respected?

Rose: Yeah, this is of course difficult because I lived in the home. I always wanted to be somewhere else or somewhere else to sleep even because I only really had peace and quiet when I wasn’t in the house. Especially on the weekends because the kitchen was directly above my room and I could always hear everything, so most weekends I stayed with friends. One day I came back home on a Sunday after spending a weekend with friends and found my room completely cleaned up. The mother had put my jackets, shoes and bags in other places. That was very uncomfortable, because I also had cigarettes in a bag of mine that was open and I didn’t want her to know that I smoke. She said that something had needed to be fixed with the pipes in my room and that therefore a repairman had to come in my room. So she cleaned up a little bit for that. But she could have just as easily told me that beforehand so that I could have handled my personal belongings.

(Brief silence)

Rose: After the 4th week I was left alone with the kids for a week because the mother had volunteered to go on a school trip to chaperone for a school trip to a different state.

ichalsmich.com: So was one of the children with her?

Rose: No, all the kids were with me, she went voluntarily on the trip.

ichalsmich.com: Were you completely on your own?

Rose: The neighbors helped to bring the children with the car back and forth.

ichalsmich.com: And who took care of the household?

Rose: I was completely alone and had to wake the children, prepare breakfast, lunch and dinner, pack school lunches for the kids, vacuum, and mop the floors. And all of that was in addition to my normal duties that I described earlier.

ichalsmich.com: Did the mother ask if you could do that or were you just somewhat thrown into the situation?

Rose: No, she didn’t ask but just kind of casually told me on the Wednesday of the week prior quite that she wouldn’t be there next week.

ichalsmich.com: So she didn’t ask you but rather just gave you notice?

Rose: Yes, but I didn’t feel like there was another option. Especially with the short notice, I didn’t think that they could find anyone else.

ichalsmich.com: How was this week for you?

Rose: I’ve never had so much stress and responsibility in my life. But now I know that I never want to have 4 kids. (laughs)

ichalsmich.com: Were there any incidents during this week?

Rose: The rules at home were that the children were not allowed to use anything electronic, so they weren’t allowed to watch TV or use any devices such as tablets, computers or phones. They were the only allowed to use electronics on the weekends when the mother and father were at home. The problem was that mother and father had different rules. So then the children would call the father and ask whether they were allowed to watch TV. He said yes, but I was torn between the two parents and didn’t know which rule I should abide by with the children. So we also spent a lot of time together.

ichalsmich.com: What did you always do then without television and computers?

Rose: We played cards and board games; I spent a lot of time playing with Legos. The children also had a lot of extracurricular activities after school such as music lessons, sports, etc. Without that, I couldn’t have done it.

ichalsmich.com: Did the mother thank you in any sort of way after this week?

Rose: She said she was glad that I survived the week.

ichalsmich.com: Did you have any free time during this week?

Rose: No, the time I spent sleeping was my only free time. During the time when the children were at school and kindergarten, I had to maintain and upkeep the household. After all, I was the only adult at home.

ichalsmich.com: But at least you got money for overtime?

Rose: I received an additional €100 for the whole week.

ichalsmich.com: In addition to what?

Rose: In addition to the €405 per month, that is the minimum that an au pair is paid in Austria.

ichalsmich.com: So you’ve been working twice as much as you really should. Did you also receive compensation for those hours?

Rose: No

ichalsmich.com: And why did you never address this?

Rose: It was always different. I was afraid how the mother would react. I didn’t want to have to move because I didn’t know how I could find a new place to stay in such a short time. But I also didn’t know whether a new family would be better or not. I always thought that I was just being dramatic. I had heard stories from other au pairs and therefore knew that there were definitely worse situations. And at the same time I liked the children and also didn’t want to disappoint them by leaving. There had been a previous au pair who left the family after 3 months. Why she left, I wasn’t told. I always thought that I didn’t want to be like this au pair and that I wanted to be a stable person for the kids. Therefore, everything was very complicated because I felt so responsible for them.

ichalsmich.com: Did you ever feel like you had to assume the role of mother?

Rose: I had the feeling that I needed to be a person that the children could trust and someone that they could rely on, especially because they didn’t really have any other friends.

ichalsmich.com: Did anything else unusual happen during your time as an au pair?

Rose: Once I had a problem with the 9 year old girl, as she often didn’t listen to me or respect me. One day, she was immersed in her cell phone and wouldn’t listen to me. Because the mother didn’t want the children using electronic devices during the week, I asked her to put it away. She didn’t want to and ignored me. In the evening when the mother came home I told her that we had a respect problem and described the situation. The mother then called the girl to her. At the beginning they had a typical mother to daughter conversation about respect, but then suddenly the mother said to the girl: “Get the belt!”
The girl had to go upstairs to her room to get a belt. As she came back down, the mother took the belt from her and asked the girl to put out her hands. She then struck her for about 2-3 minutes on her hands and forearms. What was really odd though was that in the middle of the girl suddenly just started laughing. I was completely confused and I really didn’t know what to make out of this whole situation. The mother then began to hit her harder and the laughter fell silent. I could see that it really hurt her and at the end she was crying.
When the mother was finished, she sent her to her room. I was really caught off guard and had an uneasy nauseating feeling from the whole situation. A few weeks ago I had learned that the girl was in therapy.

ichalsmich.com: Have you spoken with anybody else about this experience?

Rose: Just with other au pairs. They also found the situation very strange.

ichalsmich.com: Did you ever play with the idea to report that to the police?

Rose: I only saw this occur once during these 3 months and I also have no idea how the legal regulations in Austria are. I know that in the United States it’s allowed, as long as it doesn’t leave any marks.

ichalsmich.com: And there were no marks on the girl?

Rose: Not any that I saw.

ichalsmich.com: Did you have sympathy for her or did you want to help her?

Rose: Yes, I thought, I can never go to the mother again when I have a problem with a kid.

ichalsmich.com: Did you feel somewhat guilty?

Rose: Yes, very. I shouldn’t have said anything and should have just fixed the problem myself. I felt powerless and decided from then on to never say anything else to the mother.

ichalsmich.com: You said you feel so dramatic, do you still think that after we’ve been talking about everything in such detail?

Rose: It’s still hard to believe that it all really happened, and I don’t want to play the victim.

ichalsmich.com: You’ve left the family though, how did that go?

Rose: The father finally found a job in Vienna and therefore was home a lot more. I thought that this was a good chance to address everything. So I told them that after dinner that I’d like to have a conversation with them.

ichalsmich.com: How did you go about everything?

Rose: At this point I had already found another family where I could work because I was really afraid that after this conversation that the family would immediately kick me out. That would have been really bad because then I would have had to go back to America. We sat around the table and I told them that 4 kids were just too much for me. I told them also that I’d love to help them find a new au pair who’d be a better fit for them. This conversation went very poorly. The mother was irate and didn’t say a word the whole time. She wouldn’t even look me in the eyes. So I spoke with the father. He was very surprised that I had already found another family. He had no idea about my work life, because he was never home. He also didn’t know how it really was in his house. Then I told them also that according to the au pair contract I was supposed to only work another week, but that I would work until as long as they had found a new au pair.

ichalsmich.com: How did they respond?

Rose: They said only “OK” and said that we would need to talk again in the following days.

ichalsmich.com: How did the next conversations go?

Rose: I talked to the mother and she wanted to know why I wanted to leave the family. I again just said that it was too much for me and that I was going to a family that had an only child. I didn’t see any good in bringing up the negative things at this point. She then only criticized me and said that an only child would be more work than 4 children. She also told me that I should have told her when I went out, although I always said goodbye and told her that I was leaving.

ichalsmich.com: Did you have the feeling that she wanted you to have guilty conscience?

Rose: Oh yeah, she also told me that it doesn’t matter whether I’m there or not and that she could do everything alone. The children would get along fine without me and that it wouldn’t matter to them whether I was there or not. She then said that, maybe, the 5-year-old would miss me.

ichalsmich.com: You had the feeling she wanted to make you feel guilty?

Rose: Yes, exactly, she was totally playing the victim. The worst feeling for me was that I let down the children and that they would think I’m leaving them because I don’t like them. I have no idea what the parents told the children about me leaving. I don’t want them to think that I’m a bad person, or that me leaving was there fault. (looks down, ashamed)

ichalsmich.com: When did you move out?

Rose: I was having a discussion with the father and told him again that I would like to work one or two more weeks, because I didn’t want to leave the family in a bind. The father then told me that his wife told him, that I was moving out tomorrow. But I never said anything resembling that. I immediately knew from then on that I wasn’t welcome there anymore. So I packed my things that night and moved out the next day.

ichalsmich.com: Did you feel driven out?

Rose: I found it very uncomfortable. I was more or less a part of this family for 3 months and I was nothing more for them after our conversation and was treated like a traitor.

ichalsmich.com: How was the German course that was promised to you?

Rose: The family chose a course. I didn’t think anything of it because they told me that they would pay for everything. But when I was in Austria, I learned that it was in the au pair contract that I should actually pay for half of the course. But they said they would still pay for all of it. The course was 5 hours a week for 3 months.

ichalsmich.com: Did you end up eventually paying the other half then?

Rose: Yes, the topic came up but only, as I said that I would like to move to another family. I had to then pay €162.50 although they had promised me that I wouldn’t have to pay for it.

ichalsmich.com: Was the family so poor that they really needed that money?

Rose: No, the father and mother are very wealthy, and the mother works only because she wanted to go back to work. They have some real estate/houses in different parts of the world, which they also rent out.

ichalsmich.com: So was this just a malicious action in your opinion?

Rose: Yes, because they know exactly how much I make per month.

ichalsmich.com: Are you mad at the parents?

Rose: (sighs) Hmmm… Maybe mad is the wrong word. I’m disappointed how they handled the whole situation. But now it’s over and I did everything that I could do and I have to live with that. Anyway, it was a chapter in my life in which I learned a lot about borders. It’s really important to say something immediately, even though confrontation can be uncomfortable. But there really needs to be a confrontation as soon as there’s a problem in order to really change the situation. There are also many great moments that I had with the children and I would also like to think that they hopefully gained something positive from me. So at this point, I should really only focus on the positive and good memories.

ichalsmich.com: Do you have the feeling that one is somewhat exploited as a young au pair, coming to a foreign environment and all and also not yet having the confidence at this young age to say what you want?

Rose: Especially when I first came here, I wanted to prove something to the family. You think especially since the au – pair job is only one year and that therefore you need to make a special impression. Therefore, one puts their own needs in the background.
Recently another au pair friend of mine told me a very apt metaphor:

“We’re the things that you find in thrift stores: the things that are still really nice, but you can buy really cheap. We’re that really good deal that your cheap aunt found.”

ichalsmich.com: What would say to other au pairs?

Rose: If you’re unhappy with something, you should bring it up for discussion immediately. Don’t let the problems build up, because as more and more accumulates, it becomes harder to later have a confrontation. Often there are going things, which you can really assume no responsibility for but that you might still feel responsible for. You shouldn’t worry so much about whether the family likes you, or what you can do in addition in order that they’ll like you. You should definitely be careful and mindful to your situation, because there are all sorts of families out there. However, my new family is really awesome and I’m really enjoying my time in Austria now.

ichalsmich.com: Thank you Rose, I hope you continue to have a nice time in Austria.

Rose: (smiles) Thanks!

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